


Implausible

by mithrel



Category: Doctor Who (1963), Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
Genre: Blanket Permission, Crossover, Gen, Podfic Welcome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-05-02
Updated: 2009-05-02
Packaged: 2017-10-23 23:22:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/256238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mithrel/pseuds/mithrel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which the Doctor picks up some unexpected hitchhikers, Turlough snarks, Tegan panics, and Nyssa is unflappable. Crossover with <i>Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Implausible

Turlough was standing in the console room, watching the Doctor fiddle with the TARDIS’ controls while Tegan leaned against the wall and tried to look intelligent. Suddenly a deep ringing sounded.

“The Cloister Bell!” the Doctor exclaimed.

“What’s that?” Tegan demanded, saving Turlough from looking stupid by asking himself.

“Trouble,” the Doctor replied grimly. “Big trouble.”

Nyssa dashed out into the console room. “What happened?”

“I don’t know—” the Doctor began, then stopped, because five people had abruptly materialised in front of them.

Well, Turlough supposed they were people, although one appeared to be a robot, and another had two heads and three arms.

The one with two heads strode over to the Doctor and poked him in the chest. “Who are you?”

The Doctor looked astonished and no little affronted at being addressed in such a manner in the control room of his own ship. “I might ask the same of you, particularly since you’re the intruders here. What are you doing on my TARDIS?”

“TARDIS?” He looked blank. “What’s a TARDIS?”

One of the other intruders, a man with ginger hair and rather large teeth, pulled out a small device. “Hmm, no entry in the _Guide_.”

“And who are you?” The Doctor asked him.

“Ford Prefect.”

“You’re not serious!”

The man looked offended. “Well who are you, then?”

“I’m the Doctor.”

“Doctor who?”

He sighed. “Just the Doctor.”

“And you think _my_ name is bad?”

While this exchange was going on a man wearing, strangely enough, a dressing-gown, and looking bewildered wandered over.

“Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

“You’re on the TARDIS,” Turlough told him.

“And what’s a TARDIS?”

“It’s a timeship, more or less. How did you get here?”

“I have no idea! I’m minding my own business when the Vogons show up…”

“Vogons?” Nyssa asked.

“Yes, Vogons.” This voice came from a girl who’d be prettier if she didn’t have such a bored expression on her face. “Thoroughly unpleasant people. They destroyed the Earth to make way for a hyperspace bypass.”

“ _What?!_ ” Tegan demanded.

“You’ve no idea how good it is to see other humans! I thought we were the only ones who survived!”

“Excuse me?” Turlough asked coldly.

He shifted from foot to foot. “Erm…you are human aren’t you?”

Turlough snorted. “Hardly.”

He turned hopefully to Nyssa. She shook her head.

“ _I’m_ human!” Tegan burst out. “Now what’s this about the Earth being destroyed?”

“I’m sorry, you wouldn’t happen to have any tea on board this ship would you? Only the Heart of Gold Computer doesn’t know how to make tea, and I haven’t had any in ages!”

“I’ll get you some,” Nyssa said, and disappeared.

“Now what’s this about Earth—“

“Just calm down, I’ll explain everything. I’m Trillian, by the way.”

“ _Trillian?_ ” Turlough asked.

“Well, Tricia McMillan, but everybody calls me Trillian.”

“Tegan Jovanka. This is Turlough, Nyssa went off to get some tea, and that’s the Doctor,” she gestured to where he was still arguing with the two-headed man and Ford Prefect.

The girl nodded. “Ford Prefect and Zaphod Beeblebrox are over there.”

“Is it normal for him to have two heads?” Turlough couldn’t resist asking.

She shrugged. “Optional extra. And this is Arthur.”

“Hallo.”

“And Marvin.” She gestured to the robot, who was sitting slumped in a corner. “Don’t mind him, he’s depressed.”

“A depressed robot?”

Turlough was dimly aware of the Doctor manipulating the TARDIS’ controls, gesturing impatiently, then suddenly concentrating on the console with a look of alarm as Nyssa came back with the tea.

Arthur took the tea as though it was a holy relic, and took a deep drink. He looked up and seemed slightly less harassed. “Thank you,” he told Nyssa fervently. “I feel so much better now.”

“But look, the Earth…”

“Oh, who cares if it’s been destroyed?” Turlough snapped at Tegan. “No great loss.”

“That happens to be my home!”

Turlough ignored her and wandered over to the console. The Doctor had taken a panel off and was rooting around underneath it. “I keep telling you, Earth hasn’t been destroyed! It’s right there on the scanners! And none of the planets near Betelgeuse are inhabited!”

“Well there’s no entry in the Guide on TARDISes, Time Lords, _or_ Gallifrey!” Ford snapped, as though that ought to settle the matter.

The Doctor came out from under the console. “No use. I can’t figure out what’s wrong.” He turned to Ford. “What’s this Guide?”

“The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy,” he said, handing it over. Turlough noticed he was carrying a towel.

The Doctor looked at it. “Some sort of portable reference computer.”

“Ex- _cuse_ me?” Ford said, sounding offended. “That’s not just any–”

“Doctor!” Tegan interrupted, grabbing his arm.

“What is it, Tegan?”

“The Earth hasn’t been destroyed, has it?”

“Of course not,” the Doctor said dismissively.

“But…” Arthur began.

“Oh, do shut up, Arthur,” Trillian said.

“Don’t mind me,” came a voice from the corner, “I’ll just sit here and rust, shall I?”

Turlough spared a glance at the robot, then turned back to the conversation.

“So as near as I can tell, your ship powers itself by generating an improbability field…”

“An _Infinite_ Improbability Field,” Zaphod Beeblebrox interjected.

The Doctor shot him an annoyed glance. “Yes, quite. An infinite improbability field, and it’s somehow managed to propel you into another universe…”

“Improbable all right,” Turlough put in. This time he was the one receiving the annoyed glance.

“And onto the TARIDS,” he finished.

“Very improbable,” Turlough said.

“Try impossible. Nothing can get through the TARDIS’ shields.”

“Oh, come on, Doctor, you must admit it’s theoretically possible.”

“Well yes…”

“There you are then.”

“But where is it?” Trillian wanted to know.

“Well, there are three possibilities,” the Doctor said slowly. “Either it stayed in your universe–”

“In which case we’re trapped here, so let’s hear the other two.”

“It appeared in this universe as well, but somewhere else, since it’s not within scanning range–”

“In which case we’ll probably never find it,” she said grimly. “And the last possibility?”

“It’s somewhere in the TARDIS.”

“That’s impossible!” she burst out. “You can’t fit a ship inside another ship!”

“You can if the other ship’s the TARDIS,” Turlough told her. “It goes on for miles.”

“A ship that goes on for miles?”

“You should see the outside,” he told her. “Talk about improbable.”

“So how do we find it?” Tegan asked.

“Well, there’s the problem. I can only assume that the improbability field is interfering with the TARDIS. We can’t rematerialise, and the internal scans are erratic.”

“You mean we have to search the entire ship by hand?” she demanded, appalled.

“It looks that way,” he said. “But there are nine of us…”

“Eight,” Ford said. “Marvin won’t be of any use.”

“Oh, thank you very much,” came a sarcastic voice from the corner. “Brain the size of a planet and all you can say is ‘not any use.’” Ford ignored it.

“I’ve called up a schematic of the TARDIS,” the Doctor said. “We’d better split into teams.”

“I’ll go with Trillian,” Arthur said.

“No way, monkeyman, you go with Ford. Trillian’s with me,” Zaphod said. “And you two girls can search together…”

“I beg your pardon, but it is my ship,” the Doctor pointed out.

“Hey, man, I’m the President of the Galaxy!”

“Not in this universe, you’re not. And we’re not in any galaxy now, so you have no authority in any case.”

Zaphod opened his mouth to argue, but Ford said, “Let it go, Zaphod.”

“But—“

“ _Let it go!_ ”

Zaphod subsided, with bad grace.

“Right. I’ve divided the TARDIS into grids,” the Doctor said, handing each team a portable readout and communicator. “Nyssa and Trillian, Grid A. Arthur and Zaphod, Grid B. Turlough and Tegan, grid C.”

“But Doctor–” Turlough protested

“I don’t want to be stuck with him!” Tegan complained at the same time.

“And Ford and I will search Grid D,” the Doctor finished, ignoring them. “Now, since there are only four teams it will take awhile, but if it’s on the TARDIS, I’m sure we’ll find it.

Turlough took the readout, annoyed. “Figures we’d have to go through most of the TARDIS to even get to where we start searching.”

“Might I remind you that I have to go farthest of all the teams?” the Doctor pointed out.

“You’re not serious!” Ford protested, but subsided at the Doctor’s glare.

They all headed into the TARDIS, each team splitting off as they got to the area they’d been assigned to search.

###

“So you’re from Earth?” Nyssa asked Trillian, as they started looking through the cloisters.

“That’s right. I was born in England.”

“How did you end up here?”

“Oh, I met Zaphod at a party in Islington.”

“A man with two heads at a party on Earth?”

“He didn’t have two heads at the time. We picked up Ford and Arthur later, after the Earth was destroyed.”

“You said it was destroyed by Vegans?”

“Vogons,” Trillian corrected. “You don’t ever want to have to deal with them. They’re bad-tempered, bureaucratic, officious and callous, and their poetry is the worst in the universe.”

“Hm.”

“What about you?”

“Oh, I’m from a planet called Traken. I’ve been traveling with the Doctor since before he last regenerated.”

“Did what?”

“It’s complicated. There was no reason for me to stay on Traken, and I’ve come in useful to the Doctor a time or two.”

“Oh? Howso?”

“Well, I’m a specialist in bioelectronics.”

“Really? I’m an astrophysicist.”

“That sounds fascinating.”

###

Arthur was walking through what looked like an arboretum, which a few months ago he would have thought was impossible. After his best friend turned out to be an alien from somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse, and he hitched a lift on a spaceship, he wasn’t prepared to disbelieve anything anymore.

“Come on monkeyman, let’s just find the ship and get out of here.”

“All right, all _right!_ ” Arthur snapped at Zaphod, as they went down yet another hallway. “Just how big _is_ this thing, anyway?”

###

“Stupid aliens, making us have to traipse all over the TARDIS rather than being able to just look on the screen.”

“I’m just as annoyed as you are, Turlough, and I’m in heels! Let’s just get this over with!”

“What are we even looking for, anyway?”

“What?”

“I mean, what does the ship _look_ like? Did anyone think to get a description? The other teams all have someone who knows what it looks like, but we don’t!”

“I guess we’ll know it when we see it?” Tegan said doubtfully. Turlough snorted.

###

“So you worked for a galactic travel guide?”

“Basically, yes. I got stuck on Earth for some time. No one goes near there, it’s too boring.”

“Really? In my experience things are trying to invade all the time, but I suppose things might be different in your universe.”

“Well, when the Vogons showed up, I hitched a lift. No other choice, although let me tell you, it wasn’t pleasant. Took Arthur along, and he’s been out of his depth ever since.”

“Why do you carry a towel?”

“Always know where your towel is.”

When he didn’t elaborate, the Doctor said, “All right, then.”

“What about you? Where’d you get this ship?”

The Doctor coughed. “I stole it.”

Ford raised an eyebrow. “You don’t look like a thief. Zaphod now…”

At the Doctor’s curious look, he added, “He stole the Heart of Gold.”

“I’m not surprised. He has a bit of a superiority complex.”

Ford shrugged. “What about you? What’s a Time Lord anyway?”

“Time Lords are an ancient and venerable race, whose use of time technology sets them apart from other, lesser species,” the Doctor recited.

“Uh-huh, sure. What are they really?”

“They’re a bunch of hidebound idiots who won’t interfere in affairs outside their own planet even if it saves lives, and who come down like a ton of bricks on nonconformity.”

“Thus why you stole a ship and buggered off.”

“Yes. Although they still call me back occasionally. When they have something they don’t want to dirty their lily-white hands on.”

“Hm. Hey, there it is!”

The Doctor hadn’t gone this far into the TARDIS in years. He’d forgotten all about the zeppelin hangar. But there, in the middle of it, was a ship, gleaming white, and looking like nothing so much as a running shoe.

He took out his communicator and started contacting the other teams. “Nyssa, we found it.”

“Where is it?”

“The zeppelin hangar.”

“The _what?_ ”

He sighed. “You know where the pool room is, right? Go out the middle door, down the corridor, first door on your left, up the stairs, second door on the right, down the ladder, open the hatch, go along the corridor to the door at the end and there it is.”

“Good thing I’ve got a map so I can trace that route. We’ll be there in a bit.”

“Call me if you get lost.”

He called the other teams and repeated his instructions. Arthur was bewildered, and Zaphod snatched the communicator from him. “No problem, see you in a bit.”

“You’re sure you can follow all that?” the Doctor asked doubtfully.

“Hey, man, I’m the President of the Galaxy! I know where my towel is!”

The Doctor looked at Ford, who shrugged and rolled his eyes.

“Turlough, Tegan, we found it.”

“Where is it?”

“The zeppelin hangar.”

“You’re not serious!”

“Of course I am. Let me tell you how to get there.”

“I know where it is, Doc,” Tegan cut in.

“You do?” the Doctor and Turlough asked at the same time.

“I did a fair amount of exploring when I first got here. Be there soon.”

In the meantime, Ford checked over the ship to make sure it was all right. Just as Turlough and Tegan showed up, he muttered, “Uh-oh.”

“What?” the Doctor wanted to know.

“The Improbability Drive isn’t working.”

“What?” the Doctor demanded, more sharply.

“I can’t engage it, I don’t know why.”

The Doctor suddenly slapped his forehead. “Of course, different universe, different rules! It wouldn’t work here.”

“You mean we’re stuck here?” Ford demanded.

“Hey, man, I can’t be stuck in a place as unhip as this!”

The Doctor looked over to see that Zaphod and Arthur had arrived.

“I don’t know, after all, if Earth is still here…” Arthur said.

Nyssa and Trillian were the last to arrive. The Doctor explained the situation. “There may be one chance. If Ford and I can convince the Heart of Gold that it’s improbable that the drive should work in another universe…”

“Convince it?” Turlough interrupted skeptically. “How can you convince a ship of anything?”

“Honestly, Turlough, hasn’t living on the TARDIS taught you anything?” the Doctor asked impatiently.

“That’s just crazy enough to work,” Ford said thoughtfully. “Well, let’s get to it.”

###

The others got out of Ford and the Doctor’s way. Marvin was still in the console room, and quickly annoyed everyone, so Nyssa took Trillian on a tour of the TARDIS, and Tegan and Arthur went off to have tea, or reminisce about Earth, or something, leaving Turlough with the robot.

“Why are you so insufferable?” Turlough demanded.

“Oh, I like that,” the robot scoffed. “I could think rings around your diminutive human brain–”

“I’m not human,” Turlough cut him off, irritated.

“Whatever. Brain the size of a planet, and do they care? No, of course not. Got some insignificant problem you need solved? Ask Marvin. Bored? Go insult Marvin. Have–”

“Oh, shut up,” Turlough told him, and fled to his own room.

###

Several hours later, Ford and the Doctor thought they had it. Ford and the others all piled into the ship, and a moment later it was gone.

Turlough stared at where the ship had been. “Am I going crazy, or did it turn into a plaster duck before it disappeared?”

The Doctor shrugged. “Improbable, remember? Come on, let’s see if the TARDIS is working again.”

When they got to the console room, they heard a voice from the corner. “They left me behind, didn’t they? Typical.”


End file.
